So I'm gonna bust straight in with a heavy topic here but I really don't see the point of living anymore.
Selfish - yes this notion is very selfish.
I am not hiding behind it anymore, I do not see the point. I am miserable or anxious most of the time. I am afraid of everything. I don't have a job, I blew my chance at uni because of my stupid panic attacks. When I work full time my panic attacks become debilitating and when I work part time I don't earn enough to survive and I will still have days where I have to fight that sensation of panic at work or give in to it and take time off.
Tuesday, 30 September 2014
First month of married life (Part 1)
Well, technically its been 3 weeks.
3 Weeks since we tied the knot and got married, me and my now husband. And this is not how I imagined the first 3 weeks of marriage. Made worse by the face that for months before the wedding my nerves were already shot.
I feel like I've been a constant train wreck for months now.
The Sunday after the wedding we travelled to London via the mighty cheap 'megabus'. I do not and never have been travel sick or felt travel sick in any way - although I do prefer to drive than to be driven. And for most of the 6 hour bus ride I could barely compose myself. Fighting a panic attack is never the way as it stays with you longer - from experience I've found that sometimes the best way is to briefly loose your shit and shout/scream/cry because then you've hit the worst point and generally start to pull yourself round. But on this bus ride I couldn't let it in...I would've gotten off the bus and refused to get back on, I was in a crampt place surrounded by people on a moving vehicle. It was 6 hours of torture.
Then we made it to London, made our way to our hotel, checked in, freshened up and headed out to get some food. We went to the 'Hard Rock Cafe'. I love all the music and the iconic rock'n'roll memorabilia and the food we ordered was truly delicious. But I managed around 3 bites before I could feel it. That hot feeling, I felt trapped in my seat and surrounded by crowds of people with no escape. The room started to feel hot and the delicious plate of food in front of me became 'the enemy'. The food was expensive to start and I felt guilty for wasting the money on it and not eating much. But I couldn't put another bite in my mouth. I sat diligently waiting for my new hubby to finish. He knew I was starting to freak and he tried to distract me with idol conversation as best he could.
Back at the hotel we were having an early night, we had to leave at 4:30am to get the first Eurostar to Paris. My new hubby fell fast asleep, exhausted from the days travel and the previous days/weeks of the wedding and its build up. I sat in a tiny nightie and pants, clasping a bottle of freezing cold water with a fan blowing on me, I still felt hot. My anxiety does that too me. I sat there shaking, breathing deeply and sipping at water for hours. Eventually I dozed off and managed a couple of hours disturbed sleep as I kept waking up worried we would oversleep and miss our train.
The next morning (early) and to my surprise I felt "ok" tired and a little nervy/weak but I got dressed with vigour and even managed a couple of bites of a croissant before we got on the train. When I am panicky food is my worst nightmare, so this was all good signs. On the train however, the anxiety was there, taunting me, making me clutch at sipping bottled water and breathing desperately trying to keep myself calm. I'm fine when I travel as long as I can see that we're moving, my fear was that in the tunnel crossing to France I would feel uneasy and loose it (again) to my joy I managed to sink this anxiety, but it lurking there was still a 'damp-ner' on my day and my new hubby was spending too much time worrying if I was ok rather than enjoying the journey and the scenery as we entered France...
...tbc
3 Weeks since we tied the knot and got married, me and my now husband. And this is not how I imagined the first 3 weeks of marriage. Made worse by the face that for months before the wedding my nerves were already shot.
I feel like I've been a constant train wreck for months now.
The Sunday after the wedding we travelled to London via the mighty cheap 'megabus'. I do not and never have been travel sick or felt travel sick in any way - although I do prefer to drive than to be driven. And for most of the 6 hour bus ride I could barely compose myself. Fighting a panic attack is never the way as it stays with you longer - from experience I've found that sometimes the best way is to briefly loose your shit and shout/scream/cry because then you've hit the worst point and generally start to pull yourself round. But on this bus ride I couldn't let it in...I would've gotten off the bus and refused to get back on, I was in a crampt place surrounded by people on a moving vehicle. It was 6 hours of torture.
Then we made it to London, made our way to our hotel, checked in, freshened up and headed out to get some food. We went to the 'Hard Rock Cafe'. I love all the music and the iconic rock'n'roll memorabilia and the food we ordered was truly delicious. But I managed around 3 bites before I could feel it. That hot feeling, I felt trapped in my seat and surrounded by crowds of people with no escape. The room started to feel hot and the delicious plate of food in front of me became 'the enemy'. The food was expensive to start and I felt guilty for wasting the money on it and not eating much. But I couldn't put another bite in my mouth. I sat diligently waiting for my new hubby to finish. He knew I was starting to freak and he tried to distract me with idol conversation as best he could.
Back at the hotel we were having an early night, we had to leave at 4:30am to get the first Eurostar to Paris. My new hubby fell fast asleep, exhausted from the days travel and the previous days/weeks of the wedding and its build up. I sat in a tiny nightie and pants, clasping a bottle of freezing cold water with a fan blowing on me, I still felt hot. My anxiety does that too me. I sat there shaking, breathing deeply and sipping at water for hours. Eventually I dozed off and managed a couple of hours disturbed sleep as I kept waking up worried we would oversleep and miss our train.
The next morning (early) and to my surprise I felt "ok" tired and a little nervy/weak but I got dressed with vigour and even managed a couple of bites of a croissant before we got on the train. When I am panicky food is my worst nightmare, so this was all good signs. On the train however, the anxiety was there, taunting me, making me clutch at sipping bottled water and breathing desperately trying to keep myself calm. I'm fine when I travel as long as I can see that we're moving, my fear was that in the tunnel crossing to France I would feel uneasy and loose it (again) to my joy I managed to sink this anxiety, but it lurking there was still a 'damp-ner' on my day and my new hubby was spending too much time worrying if I was ok rather than enjoying the journey and the scenery as we entered France...
...tbc
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